I feel like I can&#8217;t Escape my mind

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Filed under Thoughts, in the year 2008/ Print Post

27 Jun

To my Zen Pt1

After 6 weeks of keeping and losing hope
I never thought that I could cope
With the ending of you lying there
Almost to the last, knowing you were still aware
Of the broken body with nothing spared
You watched us gather around you, not sure why
Because no one bothered to tell you, you were about to die
The fear in your eyes..

I remember how afraid you were to get on the list for a new lung. You didn’t want to die like this. You told me you could live another year or two or risk dying much more soon on the hope of a new lease on life. You were assured you were the perfect candidate.. No problem they said… You would be back home within 3 weeks… they do this sort of thing all the time.

Even I pushed in that direction, told you put your life first for once. It was was your turn to live again… you finally consented, you had given in. You even became excited as the statistics reassured, a man like you not coming though this was almost unheard of.

The perfect candidate they said, but now you are dead.
You had to whither away as you lied in that bed.
The thing you feared the most came true.
No.. even worse.

You feared you would die on the operating table,
but 6 weeks of decline your body unstable..
Immune system gone, your body broke down,
a slow and painful way to go, the fear of death drawn out..

I wish it had been me and not you
just to spare you from what I helped talk you in to.
I was as selfish as everyone else..
wanting a lifetime instead of another year or two.
I had hope and faith that you would get through.
The Dr’s were baffled but they didn’t give up on you,
until there was nothing else they could do.

We killed you with love..
we just needed you.

I begged for a miracle,
I even prayed for one.
I didn’t want to accept it.

It’s not fair when a man like you is gone from this earth.
When your heartbeat reached zero, it shattered the earth.
All the sudden I heard such wailing and sounds like an animal dying..
then I realized, it was coming from me.

I fell to the floor and chewed on my wrist, you were gone…
it should NOT have happened like this.
They PROMISED us it would not happen like this!

Never again will I grab your forehead and force a raspberry kiss:(
Never again will I be able to listen to your advice.
You told me to love a man without forcing…
you told me love for it’s sake is worth knowing.
You taught me patience is a virtue by your own example.
You taught me that men can be gentle and you always feared of me getting hurt.

You wanted someone to protect me that would also respect me.
You wanted me to love only that which is deserving of me.
You told me I was worth someone and never sell short.
You told me seek what I know I need in my heart and I will find it.

You taught me love can be suffering and the rode to happiness a long one.
You told me to “wait and see”… same thing you told my mother about me,
when I ran away so many times…
you knew I would come back,
and you had faith I would grow …
that you would be proud of me.

You let me make my own mistakes,
but you were always there to catch me if I asked you to.
Most of the time, I was stubborn like you.
I didn’t always listen, you were only a guide,
you let me figure things out,
even those times I had to run and hide.
You were reserved with your emotions
except when i coaxed them out,
but if I fell in your arms with tears,
you were there to let me cry it all out.
You never once coddled me,
but you also never rejected me.
You loved it when I teased you
because you knew how much I loved to see you smile.

Even lying there in agony,
you saved one last smile for me,
one last knowing wink for me.
When others had given up on you,
I just prayed with all my hope…
“wait and see”…
just wait and see.

But i was wrong and my heart is breaking
because I am all out of “wait and see”…
I couldn’t give up on it until it was gone,
because you never gave up on me..
I want to make you proud of me!

Wait and see daddy, my Zen..
I know you are all around me now..
so you just wait and see,
but keep having that patience with me…
because it is going to be a long ugly road filled with misery,
but I will keep every word you have ever said to me.
I know you are proud of me.
And i am proud of you too,
for everything you do.

But you just wait and see daddy, my Zen..
I don’t feel strong right now,
I feel like the world has crumbled around me now.
Please don’t be disappointed in me… just give me time…
just “wait and see”…
I need you daddy, so I will keep you close to me,
as close as can be… right here in my heart.
I know that pain on my face and
tears in my eyes always tore you apart..
But I need to grieve for you and for the long road ahead…
but I will come through, because you have faith in me too,
so it MUST be true!

I will have to learn to live without you
as my mother will too.

Someday daddy, I will find a man like you
who will love me and respect me like you always wanted me to..
I will someday have somebody who is a lot like you,
and I know you will be proud of him too.

I am so glad I was able to say goodbye and tell you just how much I love you.
I know you already knew, but I said it so rarely.. in words anyway… but you knew…
Those raspberry kisses and weird looks they got me,
and the look in your eyes saying you loved me too.
Even lying there in pain, you made sure to mouth the words,
though no sound could come out… you loved me.

I miss you!

What the fuck am I going to do without you!??

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Filed under Thoughts, in the year 2008/ Print Post

21 Jun

Joyfully

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Filed under Poetry, in the year 2008/ Print Post

09 Jun

Breathe Deeply

Written May 6, 2008 but archiving now.
—————————————-

Though pain and suffering
Try to take our hearts down
Hope and faith in something
Can always bring us around
I have faith in you
In the strengths you possess
Until you breathe deeply
My hope will not rest

Just breathe deeply, love
For life is so precious
Take a moment, love
If you’re feeling this restless
If your dreams fall short
Of the fire within you
Just breathe deeply
And you’ll see the way through

Never take for granted
What is right before you
Just breathe deeply
Life is waiting for you

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